Exactly what to say to a friend who's hurting
Many years ago, my mom was suddenly hospitalized and very, very sick. She fully recovered, but it was hands-down the scariest experience of my life.
In addition to all the medical decisions I needed to make on her behalf, there was a LOT of communication. At the height of it, it felt like I got a text every 5-10 minutes from a loved one asking, “How’re you? How’s your mom? Do you need anything?”
I wanted to answer all three questions the same way: “I don’t know!” At the time, I laughed, “If it ends in a question mark, I want no part of it.”
Of course, I took no offense. My friends’ intention in asking those questions was clear, to provide support and demonstrate care. I’m sure I’ve said the same things in their position.
Here’s the reality: when we’re in a state of trauma, drama, or crisis, it can be difficult to make decisions and manage correspondence. It can be challenging to even recognize our needs, let alone name them.
Let’s identify tangible ways we can support loved ones in crisis without adding to their stress.
Based on my experience on both sides of the equation and research into the grieving process, I’ve created a cheat sheet. Below is exactly what I now say when someone I care about is hurting.
I’ve used this language with beloved humans in my life who were navigating chronic illness, divorce, or simply the utter chaos that is being a human these days.
Life can be a lot. I hope these tools are helpful to you and your loved ones.
Caregiving Cheat Sheet
Spacious Check-in:
How are you in this moment? I find words can be hard at times like these, so feel free to reply with emojis, GIFs, or not at all. Just know I’m thinking of you and here if you wanna talk.
Note: I became a big fan of the shrug emoji when my mom was sick.
Quick Giggle
[Attachment: silly image]
Thinking of you and hoping this [description of silly image] gives you a smile. No need to reply.
This is a great one if you don’t have capacity to provide support but want them to know you’re thinking of them.
Specific Offer of Support
Since “What can I do?” can be a lot to answer, I’ve made it multiple choice (feel free to pick multiple ). What would be most helpful right now?
[Select 3-5 options and number them to make it super easy on the recipient.]
Logistics
1. Grocery or meal delivery
2. Child or pet sitting (with me or a favorite sitter)
3. Research
4. Coordinating correspondence
TLC/Entertainment
5. Hugs
6. A walk or coffee date
7. Trashy magazines
8. TV recommendations
9. GIFs and pics of unexpected animal friendships
Spaciousness (include this with the others you pick)
10. Other
11. Nothing right now
12. This question is too hard. Ask me another time.
A friend offered to research care options when my mom was sick. While I didn’t take her up on it, it felt like a great big euphoric breath of fresh air when I read that she was willing to.
Love Note
I love you as much as I love cupcakes, voting rights, and costuming (which is to say a lot). I’m in your corner. No reply needed.
Of course, you’ll want to personalize this with some of your favorite things.
Special thanks to…
My dear friends Veronica Brooks-Uy, Meg Marino, and Shira Bergman-Cohen, who inspired the tangible offer of support. Shira was influenced by Esther Levy.