A Flowchart to Stop Overcommitting and People-Pleasing
When I read the text, my throat constricted. Shit.
It was a reminder of the play date we’d scheduled for the following night, which Xiaobs and I had both forgotten about completely.
In a vacuum, this would be an ideal play date: a new queer family at our school who we wanted to get to know.
In the moment, all I felt was dread.
We were in the airport, coming home from an emotionally and logistically taxing trip. I was pre-exhausted as I imagined making small talk with a new adult while trying to facilitate a friendship between two children who’d never met.
That nagging feeling of tension in my stomach and throat persisted. I actively didn’t want to host, but I hate disappointing people and not following through.
I thought of the Glennon Doyle quote I often share with clients: “Every time you’re given a choice between disappointing someone else and disappointing yourself, your duty is to disappoint that someone else.”
That’s easier said than done.
In my work, I see three common reasons we (and I include myself in this) overextend ourselves:
We think it’ll just be easier or faster if we absorb the discomfort, inconvenience, or responsibility.
We fear the other person’s negative reaction if we do express what we actually want.
If it’s a project, we don’t trust our counterpart to follow through or do as good of a job as we would.
For me at the airport, it was the first two.
As part of a recent Strategic Vacation with my client Renelle Bedell, we made the following flowchart together to help break her cycle of overcommitting and people-pleasing.
We all have personal and professional responsibilities that are nonnegotiable. The flowchart is designed for those other requests or projects we take on because we don’t want to have the uncomfortable conversation, we feel obligated, or we have a need for control.
Imagine a colleague asks you to take on a new project that’s outside of your scope of work, your family has asked (or expected) you to host something, or a friend invited you to a party that sounds like your personal hell.
The flowchart can help.
Right click the flowchart and click “save image” to download the file.
Here’s a breakdown of the framework:
Notice: I Feel Tense, Obligated, or an Instinct Toward Action
When you feel the urge to say yes to something, notice how you feel in your body: do you feel a sense of constriction or tension? Do you feel obligated or like you need to launch into immediate action? These are all cues to pause.
Pause! Ask yourself:
Do I actually want to do this, or do I just feel like I should?
If it were today, would I want to do it?
Is this actually my responsibility, and am I the right person to own it?
Often, these initial questions will provide enough clarity to help you decide.
Still not sure? Ask yourself the additional questions in the flowchart. Consider, “Am I stepping in because I’m truly needed, or because I’m uncomfortable with letting go of control, disappointing someone, or creating conflict?”
Try on a ‘no’
Particularly if your default is ‘Yes,’ try imagining a ‘No.’ How would that feel? It may feel scary or unfamiliar to let go of control or potentially upset someone, but that doesn’t mean it’s the wrong answer.
Say no:
No: Delay or drop it
Decide it doesn’t need to happen now or at all, knowing that you can reassess if/when circumstances change.
Your direct report came up with a great idea for a new project. You don’t want to discourage her and you don’t have capacity to give it your attention at the moment. You ask her to revisit it with you next quarter.
No: Delegate
Let the right person own it, being clear about boundaries and expectations. This may include raising or lowering your standards, depending on the project.
Raise: You regularly find yourself irritated with your colleague’s typos and mistakes. Instead of begrudgingly (and silently) fixing his errors for him, you ask him to bring you a more polished draft.
Lower: Your partner sends a flurry of text invites to your kiddo’s birthday party, instead of the thoughtfully designed Eventbrite you’d send. Just because it’s not done the way you would do it doesn’t mean it’s bad. (It would be hard for me to let go of control here, but as I try to remind myself: done is better than perfect.)
Say yes (with a boundary)
Saying yes doesn’t mean you can’t protect your energy.
If a friend wants to visit and expects to stay with you, you might say yes to the visit but no to the guest room.
Holding healthy boundaries means you trade short-term discomfort for long-term relief and a healthier relationship. Protect future you!
Reassess
If after you say yes, you feel tense or resentful, it’s time to reconsider. Rework the flowchart from the top. In many instances, you can change your mind.
Back at the airport, Xiaobs and I were in the ‘Reassess’ phase, since we’d already said yes.
The first question, “Do I actually want to do this, or do I just feel like I should?” gave us our answer.
We realized that in general, we were excited to get to know this new family and build more queer community. In practice, we already struggled to find time for some of our closest family friends. In our limited availability, we wanted to prioritize the relationships we already had rather than exploring this new connection.
When I thought about canceling completely, I felt some of the constriction in my throat dissipate.
I drafted the text in a GoogleDoc to clarify my thinking:
“I’m going to do something I hate and suggest we don’t try to reschedule. [I shared our custody schedule, which conflicted with her weekly availability].
These days, Xiaobs and I are experiencing some grief around limited capacity and struggles to find time to spend with both old friends and new ones. I’d love to get our families together, and it’s just not realistic right now. I’m so sorry.”
I closed by letting her know that we’d love to see her and her kiddo at future group activities.
My relief was instantaneous, validation that we’d made the right call.
The next time a colleague, a family member, or a friend asks for something you just kinda don’t want to do, try on a ‘no’ and see how it feels.
With such love,
Lelia
Trust Yourself To Try
Even if just for a week, what would it be like to have your default answer be ‘No’?
What question in the flowchart will be the hardest to answer?